Day Three - How to Grow in Empathy

So far, we have looked at the importance of empathy in the context of interpersonal relationships. In this reading, we will focus on how to get better at showing empathy and the importance of supportive communities (especially since this is a curriculum for new Community Groups!).

Stanford psychologist Jamil Zaki says that, as a society, we are currently experiencing an empathy deficit.¹ This becomes painfully obvious with just a few minutes of scrolling social media. The reasons for this empathy deficit are nuanced and complex, but one of the primary reasons, according to Zaki, is the use of technology. “Life online does not give us the cues that spark empathy,” Zaki says. These cues include eye contact, observing facial expressions, and hearing someone’s tone of voice.

While there are many benefits to online communication, one way we can help address the “empathy deficit” is by prioritizing real-life, in-person community. In these environments, we aren’t reduced to sound bites or highlight reels (like we are online), and we can observe all the empathy-sparking cues we miss in digital communication. We’re not left to imagine what someone sounds like; we can hear them. And we’re not left to imagine the look on someone’s face.

However, we cannot assume that an in-person community will naturally be empathetic. It’s still possible to be harsh, graceless, condescending, or judgmental while looking someone in the eye.

At Bridgeway, we say that Community Groups are a place to make friends and make a difference with Jesus at the center. We believe communities that take this simple mission statement to heart will be well-positioned to be empathetic communities. Because we share the goal of making friends, we can value acceptance, curiosity, and understanding over arguing about controversial issues, dominating conversations, or needing to prove we are right. In short, we can place a high value on connection and fellowship. Because we share the goal of making a difference, we can build our communities around our desire to see the Kingdom of God grow in our context. When we are united by what we are for, the need to hash out our differences will fade. And because Jesus is at the center, we can share the value of being Christlike in our engagement with one another. As we’ve seen in previous readings, Jesus exemplified empathy and compassion.

If we are to build empathetic communities, it’s vital that we individually grow in our ability to practice empathy. This may be challenging at first. Anyone who has overexerted themselves during a difficult workout when they are not in shape can attest that it causes muscle soreness that can make the next day or two (or three!) unpleasant. That’s a simple example of the difficulty of trying something we are not used to.

Suppose Zaki is right about a societal empathy deficit. In that case, some of us may experience adverse ‘symptoms’ if we try to practice empathy. We won’t develop sore muscles, but it may feel awkward, unnatural, or even forced. The good news is that our ability to show empathy is like a muscle in the sense that it can be developed and strengthened. As we practice empathy repeatedly, what first feels awkward will eventually feel natural. Here are some simple ways to begin to grow in empathy:

• Learn to identify your own emotions. This might seem like an odd place to start, but you can’t feel empathy for another person if you don’t know how they are feeling. And it’s tough to identify the feelings of others if you struggle to identify your feelings. A straightforward way to practice this is to set a reminder on your phone to check in with yourself a few times each day. In these moments, pause and think about how you are feeling. Identify the specific emotions you are experiencing (note: “good” is a non-specific emotion). Ask yourself why you are feeling certain emotions to get to the root of your feelings (e.g., you may find that you are feeling angry, but the reason you are mad is that you are afraid. In that case, fear would be the root emotion).

• Quit judging your own emotions. Have you ever felt something and started beating yourself up for it? You’re not the only one. It’s easy to judge our emotions, especially when it seems we overreact or are too sensitive. There is undoubtedly value in paying attention to our feelings when they seem to be getting out of control, but if we’re going to grow in empathy, we must stop judging our emotions. Why? Because to have empathy for others, we must learn to accept and identify their emotions without judgment. ²That is exceedingly difficult to do for others if we don’t already do it ourselves. When you notice an emotion rising in you, check to see if you are suppressing, avoiding, or accepting it. Watch yourself to see if you are engaging in invalidating self-talk. That indicates that you have judged the emotion rather than accepted it. This might seem counterintuitive, but accepting our emotions can help us change them more effectively than judging them. This acceptance of ourselves will also increase our ability to accept the emotions of others.

• Get curious and listen to understand rather than respond. A curious spirit is rocket fuel for our sense of empathy. Curiosity encourages us to adopt a mindset where we listen to truly understand rather than respond. Get curious about a person’s background, life experiences, or emotional state, and listen attentively while asking questions to deepen your understanding. You can also get curious about yourself by imagining how you would feel in their situation. A useful question to ask yourself to foster curiosity and empathy is, “What is this person asking for from me?” Considering this question can prevent us from offering advice to someone who simply needs validation.

• Make eye contact. There are few more powerful ways to recognize someone’s humanity than making eye contact. When we look someone in the eye, we are reminded that they are a real person with fears, dreams, joy, pain, and uncertainty. It can also help us get out of our heads and into a posture where we try to understand their world. Eye contact can also help us with perspective-taking, a key skill in showing empathy. In perspective-taking, we try to relate to someone else’s feelings by remembering a time when we had a similar feeling or experience. The purpose of this is not to shift attention onto ourselves but to grow our ability to understand the feelings of another.

• Imagine another person as a child. This is not about condescension. It’s about getting ourselves into a headspace to really feel someone else’s emotions. If you find it difficult to empathize with a person’s situation (perhaps it is wildly unfamiliar to you, or it appears the person is in a challenging situation that is their fault), imagine they are a small child feeling fear, shame, or embarrassment. This will reduce our tendency to judge and increase our willingness to show compassion.

• Listen more than you speak. Reflect back what you have heard. James 1 admonishes us to be slow to speak and quick to hear. For most of us, that’s hard. But, as author, professor, and pastor David Augsburger says, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”³ Listening not only helps others feel loved by us, but it also gives us more opportunities to empathize with the emotions and experiences of others. Furthermore, reflecting on what we have heard shows that we are listening attentively.

As we grow in our ability to give and receive empathy, our community group becomes a transformational environment because we feel safe to show up authentically.  Conversations are life-giving, studying scripture together helps us grow in Christlikeness, and navigating inevitable challenges or disagreements is doable.  Healthy communities, like healthy families, make us better.