Day Two - What Empathy is Not

To deepen our understanding and practice of empathy, we must be clear about what empathy is not.

Empathy is not sympathy.

There are many situations where expressing sympathy is appropriate and right. Sympathy is a feeling of care or concern for another person, often accompanied by a desire to see them happier or better off. Jesus demonstrates sympathy in many of the miracle stories found in the gospels. Before feeding the 5000 in Matthew 14, we read that Jesus “saw a great crowd, and He had compassion on them and healed their sick.” Hebrews 4:15 tells us that Jesus sympathizes with our weaknesses. Therefore, sympathy is not wrong.

Here’s the key difference between sympathy and empathy: Sympathy involves standing outside the situation. Empathy means stepping into it. When we show sympathy, we position ourselves above or apart from the other person, while empathy places us alongside them. Empathy allows us to share in someone else’s feelings, even if we can’t relate to their exact experience. When we join someone in their emotions and validate those feelings, it fosters connection. Although sympathy has its uses, it is limited in how deeply it allows us to connect with others.

Empathy is not approval or agreement.

You can empathize with someone’s pain even if you disagree with their perspective. Empathizing doesn’t mean you endorse their actions or beliefs; it means you acknowledge their emotions. For example, someone might share a political view you disagree with and then express fear about what could happen if elected officials ignore their perspective. You could respond, “It sounds like you’re pretty upset about this,” or, “I understand why you’re afraid.” In neither case are you indicating agreement; you’re simply showing understanding.

The following concept can be challenging to digest in our polarized and contentious world, but most people’s feelings and reactions make sense once you truly understand where they are coming from.¹ Furthermore, empathy and validation can be beneficial tools for helping to de-escalate difficult conversations. When someone is upset or angry, empathy and validation are your best chance at getting them to be receptive to feedback.²

Throughout Jesus’ ministry, He spent time with struggling people whose actions were clearly not aligned with His teaching. Yet, it was through creating a safe space for listening and interaction that He facilitated significant transformation. For example, in Luke 19, the corrupt tax collector Zacchaeus is transformed after spending time with Jesus in his home. Luke doesn’t tell us what they talked about. He just tells us that the interaction changed Zacchaeus’ life.

Empathy is not codependency.

We don’t practice empathy out of our desire to be needed. Instead, we offer empathy out of love and concern for another. If we demonstrate empathy because we find our worth or value in meeting the needs of others, we’ve likely crossed the line into codependency.³

Empathy is not only for negative emotions.

We can deepen our connection with others by empathizing with positive emotions. A 2004 study showed that romantic relationships were higher in commitment, satisfaction, trust, and intimacy when partners actively validated each other’s accomplishments. Unsurprisingly, negative responses to a partner’s bid for validation or connection correlated with negative relational outcomes.  What is surprising is that “passive constructive” responses (e.g., “Oh, cool. Guess what I did today?!”) had similar relationship outcomes as destructive or negative responses. When we fail to offer validation (“I’m so excited for you!  Tell me more.”), we risk hurting those closest to us.

Opportunities to deepen connection through positive validation frequently present themselves in our non-romantic relationships. Letting these opportunities pass is easy because they rarely seem urgent. For most of us, our impulse to help a struggling friend or loved one is strong, but our impulse to look for opportunities to notice and appreciate the accomplishments of others is less intense. And yet, if we can make a point to validate positive emotions and experiences, we will unlock a new depth of connection in our relationships.